I consider myself pretty low maintenance, but the other day I redeemed a gift certificate at the spa for a facial/massage, and as I was lying there, I couldn’t help thinking about what kind of luxuries I would afford if I could, in the form of people doing things for me. Or, at least that’s what I was thinking about when I wasn’t worrying that the facialist would touch my face without washing her hands after rubbing my feet (Don’t worry. She washed).
1. Massage therapist. Nothing painful. None of that deep tissue, sore the next day business. Just someone to rub my back at my command as Chris has become less and less receptive over the years to me wordlessly plopping myself down in front of him, shirt adjusted to expose my back.
2. Chef. Eating healthy is much easier if I don’t do the work. I need someone else to figure out how to make vegetables taste good.
3. Driver. Then I can sleep on the way to…everywhere. Nobody should have to be conscious when dealing with Atlanta traffic. Then again, they way Atlantans drive, I’m not sure they ARE conscious.
4. Maid. Surely doesn’t need explanation. Although we will probably have to leave one messy room for Chris so he can let off steam when he gets antsy.
5. Doctor/Specialist. Any discipline(s) needed for Connor. He/she/they will have privileges at all hospitals. They will directly answer our calls at all times and live nearby. They will serve no other patients. All research and efforts will purely serve Connor. They will provide any necessary testing equipment immediately (eg. MRIs, EEGs). We will never wait for an opening again.
6. Stylist. Somehow Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts have convinced the entire male population that they are extraordinarily attractive, presumably with a stylist. If I have someone fully dedicated to my overall appearance, I can fool the public, too.
7. Personal Trainer. Because everyone needs a full-time staff member that prompts them to turn out the lights and hide behind the couch when they drop by.
8. Personal shopper. Paying someone to shop for me will probably turn out to be cheaper than unleashing me into a Target. To. Pick. Up. Just. One. Thing.
Noticeably missing is the mani/pedicurist. I’ve always regarded those kind of appointments as a hassle, akin to going to the doctor. I paint my own toes, and think I look weird with polish on my fingers (much like lipstick. When you’re this pale, it’s easy to cross the line into hooker). However, I suppose since I’m rich now I could have one come in while I watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to do it. As long as I don’t have to make the appointment and drive there. Well, be driven there.
Who would you hire?